Take Ownership in the Vast Unknown, it’s scary as …….

It seems like Friday is my writing day.  I get clarity and ideas during the week and poof.  I am thinking that it’s a combination of keeping with my goal and the fact that by Thursday my 13 and 14 year old daughters have enabled me to pour a glass of wine and convince me to run into a little “happy place”.  So here I am yes.

I was jotting things down this week about ownership, taking ownership, of your shiz.  I can say that it is a courageous step to take.  You are realizing something uncomfortable, leaning into it, your ego and pride are bulldozed for a bit, but it’s very freeing.  I compare it to your innards being flipped and exposing themselves to your biggest teacher, your actions.  When I got knocked over by my husband and my kids after coming to terms with my actions after nearly 10 years of being numb on depakote I felt like running under a rock. Anyone know about running to the nearest boulder and going to your happy place?  It is not pleasant and most people stay under the rock and never face their fears.  Through an enlightening process of placing yourself in someone else’s shoes you are taking a giant leap of bravery and eventually it feels safe and kind.  That is the universes way of rewarding us.

After all this mess my husband and I are still trying to recover.  We are in therapy and that’s a pow to endure.  The good therapists get some waves going and it is up to the individual to hang on and hold space for each other.  I have been in therapy a while and it’s been a godsend. You should try it just to get all the sludge out and put some kindness back inside, hanging with friends is the next best option.  We just helped my husband realize that he has a bit of PTSD after all this.  He says I missed out on seven years of my life because of what happened to me.  Hmmmm, ouch and I can’t even remember the past seven years, how do you like them apples.  With ownership comes the ability to seek compassion, or not.  The flip side is blame and that is just a whole lot of suffering.  I feel my husband is grieving that life he thought of as being “normal” and less drama of mental illness.  Why did he get to be the one to carry me?  I remember the boyfriend I could of married, could that person have handled my crisis?  I tap into my faith, renewed faith, and how our lives are already written.  I have to trust that this is part of our path together.  I will say my habits and actions were imprinted in me a long time ago.  These character traits were not born by mental illness, it is your surroundings as you grow.  I am not angry but I am able to recognize a lot more now,  I have forgiven the people that carried me through my youth.  Humans have this ability to make stories in their heads and grip a lot of pain, I was the best story teller ever.  The only way to release the grip is to find a gentle compassion to yourself and send it out.

I know I have worked like a strong oxen warrior to dig inside, I have screamed, cried, laughed and then I have done it again.  My love of yoga and meditation has given me hope, presence, and accountability.  I am not sure my husband can find this courage, he’s very traumatized and it is not his character to feel this discomfort and try to let go.  One more year with my girls at home and the universe will direct us.  It is unknown and I am honoring myself, my husband, and my god.  Namaste!!!  Sorry this is serious after my last blog but I have been revisiting this topic in my head often.

My memory has bought a one way ticket to nonsense

It’s been 18 months since getting off the Depakote overload for eight years.  It probably took a year or so for the meds to flush out of my blood stream, liver, and brain.  Well, not so much my brain, i.e. prefrontal cortex, that little puppy is damaged yes it is.  This is the center of attention, memory, executive function, and emotions to name a few.  Here is the thing, I cannot remember much, it’s true and entertaining until the house burns down.  I’m confessing up, so this morning the four of us were puttering around getting ourselves out the door for school and work.  My 14 year old daughter is looking to be in charge of her own Fortune 500 in some years.  She’s got game, drive, and a routine as well as rigidity and pow.  My 13 year old is compassionate, creative, and will leave the house without her head on and will never know it.  They are fun kids. We live by the slogan, “be yourself and we’ll honor you unless someone draws blood toward another person.”.  And my husband is a calm and patient man, a truly loving kind soul.  Back to this morning, everyone is out the door and I am getting my breakfast ready.  I put my pan on the stove and get distracted, that’s the norm for me, and the smoke alarm goes off.  It’s attached to our alarm system.  The alarm system company usually calls the house immediately after the system goes off.  I fly upstairs to our land line and I miss the call.  I pray nothing will happen because that’s how it has happened in the past.  Today was my lucky day and the fire truck pulls up.  SWEET!!!! Our dog Acadia is thrilled, new friends!!!!

The kindest female firefighter approached me in her uniform.  What a lovely soul, you could see it in her eyes and smile.  I’m smiling and laughing inside as I explain my “burning the butter” story.  A common day occurrence in my life especially on the nights my sleep has been poor.  I get a thumbs up, call my dog, and go back inside to resume cooking my things on the burner again and then my neighbor pops in.  DISTRACTION ALERT!!!  I start catching up and forget about my “cooking butter”.  Yup!!! I’M a keeper.  I run over and turn everything off.  I am happy that once you turn off our alarm it has to be reset again in order to work.  No alarm this time.  The moral to my story today is have someone else without memory issues cook for you daily.  One more confession, this smoke alarm goes off at least once a week.  Oh well, fire insurance is up to date and my secret is out.

Quickly, I’ll let loose on one more thing.  I am absolutely owning my “shiz”.  I laugh at myself and others daily.  It’s what you have to do.  Let go of the anger and inevitable absent minded things we do.  BE KIND FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Don’t be a holier than anyone else kind of person, no one likes a show off.  Hmmm, mental illness sucks and many people suffer.  Get some sleep, get some patience, and do find a good doctor if you or your loved one needs help.  Off to cook again, my family is back home.  Oh the stories they could tell.  Peace, love, and happy vibes tribe.  Now where are my meds…..?